Do You *Really* Want It?

There’s something said in my office pretty regularly that got my wheels turning: You can’t want something more than the other person wants it.

I can sit here all day long and wish for change in someone, but unless they’ve got it in their head that they really, really want that change too – it’s just a big pile of wishes. Fairly vague, huh?

I talk to people every day that are in various levels of failing relationships. I ask what steps what them or their partner have taken to improve the conditions of their relationship. Most of the time I hear that the person I’m talking to is in counseling or doing some other thing that will end in self-improvement and their significant other refuses to mimic their actions OR I hear that both parties haven’t tried/do not want to try anything to salvage their marital shipwreck. You can’t want your relationship to work more than your spouse does and it work out. I can’t want you to take steps toward your divorce if you don’t want out of your failing relationship more than I want you out of it based on the facts you have presented me with.

This doesn’t just apply to my day-to-day work. It applies to life, too. Friendships fail when you want something greater for that person, but the friend does nothing about a situation they’ve beaten harder than a dead horse. Careers fail when a management figure sees potential in an employee, but that employee slacks off and gives no fucks.

It is in these moments that we need to realize that we can’t want something more than the other person does and expect things to work to our favor. All you’re doing is giving yourself high blood pressure while fighting an imaginary hope – and let me tell you, imaginary hope fights dirty.

Now let us talk about wanting things for yourself. You can’t want something and not take the steps and actions necessary to get what you want.

I can want to be a size 4 again, but I am typing this with Flaming Hot Cheeto dust somewhere on me. You can want to be rich, but you know you are stuck in a dead end job that only makes X amount per week and you feel like it takes too much effort to look for something else. An athlete can want to be the best, but they’ve decided that practicing three days a week is good enough for them.

All of this is okay if you have reconciled with it and do not expect change to happen when a change of habits has not occurred. Complacency is okay if you are not expecting things just to fall in your lap. Being in this I want X but I don’t want to do X steps situation is okay, but complaining about not getting results when you have done nothing about is going to get you nowhere fast. 

…Feeling a little attacked by this.