Sorry, BUT…

I recently read a really great article about apologies and how to properly apologize. I think talking about how to apologize, when to apologize, and what should follow the apology is going to be a great topic to write about and that will hit home with a lot of people.

• We all have that one person in our life that is the over-apologizer. No matter how many times you tell that person that you aren’t mad at them and there is no need to apologize for whatever they are apologizing for, they just can’t stop saying sorry. These are the kind of people that bump into mannequins at Target and apologize to them, only to apologize for apologizing to an inanimate object. I’m not knocking it but saying sorry every 5 minutes has got to be stressful.
• We all have that one person in our life that will apologize when they mess up or feel like they are in trouble over something fairly minor (and usually have a long history of repeating whatever they messed up or have been in trouble over). My common response to these folks is “An apology without changed behavior is just a bunch of words.” Call me callous, but I am trying to make a point.
• We all have that one person that apologizes and then goes on to immediately get defensive and throws out excuses for their behavior. Hold on, buddy. If you are apologizing to someone, this starts off needing to be about the person you are apologizing to and their feelings as to why they needed an apology. Once you find out why that person was upset, then it is time to plead your case and probably throw in more apologetic language.
• We all have that one person that apologizes for YOUR reactions or their piss poor reactions. One way to send me flying off the handle is to say, “Sorry you are offended.” That isn’t you apologizing, that is you trying to force an apology for my feelings out of me and minimizing how I feel. Also, avoid saying “Sorry, BUT…” – woo, that’s how you definitely do not solve an issue and loops back up to the third bullet about being defensive.

My biggest takeaway from the article was a line about not apologizing for existing, taking up space, or living your authentic life – save the apologies for the things you do or say.

Let’s stop being sorry for who we are and use apologies when it is appropriate.